P.M.S 101

Dear men and those women who can do push-ups during their periods,
you have no goddamn idea how lucky you are. even if you were osama bin laden, i wouldn’t wish ‘those days’ on you and the fiasco that precedes it and in some pathetic cases, follows also.

for starters don’t ignore a poker faced woman. even before being slightly harsh, or before cracking a vague joke to a lady, please second guess or better still, blatantly ask if she is pmsing. if yes, u should totally shut up. cos u are a menace as far as she is concerned. a burden on planet earth. more mentally excruciating than the unbelievable weakness that every finger and toe in her body feels.

let me take you through the physical madness. (no,no,no. the leaky bit is the nicest part. the itchy uncomfortable plastic is now like a body part.) for the lack of a cute metaphor, each muscle in the body softly shivers in pain much like the beginning of parkinson’s. in my case, even my voice quivers. this alongwith the constant cramps like a heavy metal background score. yes, the cramps! in the stomach, in the abdomen and the area that you popped out from. amidst all this, if u try to make your point, we will cry. and if you are a douche bag and call us a weepie, then i might as well curse you even if you aren’t osama. cos you my dear, are way worse.

take few minutes to mathematically calculate the trauma % in the life of my kind of woman. 3-5 days of periods, 1 week before/ after of agony. lets round it off to a cute 10 days. so thats 1/3rd of each month, i.e. 1/3rd of my kind of woman’s non-menopausal life. ridiculously unfair.

coming back; the shoulders crave for a massage, the calf muscles want to explode, the feet feel like being pampered by a loved one. only the feet. the rest of the body wants you to stay away as far as possible. however, intermittent visibility is much appreciated. surface if you have hot food to offer. or few words of praise. or both. some women i know, even vomit and find food annoying. like the 1st signs of anorexia. so recognise the kind, and offer something sour or fizzy to them. oh and i nearly forgot to mention loose motions, gas, or constipation which will most definitely show up like uninvited guests to make matters worse. i haven’t even begun about the emotional upheaval that prevails. bawling for no reason, insulting the people one loves the most, psychedelic concoction of extreme lust interspersed with extreme aversion, roller coaster mood trips, divorce treats; these amount to sweet nothings that may strike you like an innocent meteor by my kind of pms-ers. pardon us cos we know not what we say. (must admit that sometimes it’s a good excuse to state pure facts:)) nevertheless, gulp down the severe verbal diarrhea like a mango milkshake…like a loving mother who enjoys cleaning her baby’s poop.

even if you express considerable love in general, take this time out to make sure the reason you are here, and the process behind it, month after month, in every woman’s life, is worth it.
if i tread away from the topic a little to remind myself of the ruthless people who treat woman like an object, or like a lesser, weaker mortal; my insides fume in disgust and i feel this close to contemplating the worst. just so that i don’t sound like those horrid feminist who equate men to a used sanitary napkin, i am told even men go through similar monthly mental gymnastics on their kind of ‘days’. f.y.i. – we love u too.
we understand.
you have to give us that.
cheers to exchanging sexes next lifetime.
gentle reminder.
you will get what you give.

shifting gears to give some free advice to the pain bearers to reduce the pain if there is any such thing;
– shatavari tablets (ayurvedic magical spheres to be popped in daily)
– yoga/ surya namaskars on the non awful days
– 3-5 litres of water
– biannual virechana/shankha prakshaalan (google them)
– don’t use pills to postpone your period for any reason and don’t dunk in pain killers each month. assume you are getting a tattoo and bear the pain with a cool grin
– you mostly already use this magic of a creation, the electric hot water pack
– avoid gaseous food a week before your pathetic day
– keep busy
– write to vent out your frustration like i am doing presently and celebrate your creativity
– remind yourself that you are a lord-brahma-minion. super special, you cute lil’ creators!

signing off with the most creative nick name i have been bestowed with,
Priya.Mani.Subramanian