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P.M.S 101

3 Apr

Dear men and those women who can do push-ups during their periods,
you have no goddamn idea how lucky you are. even if you were osama bin laden, i wouldn’t wish ‘those days’ on you and the fiasco that precedes it and in some pathetic cases, follows also.

for starters don’t ignore a poker faced woman. even before being slightly harsh, or before cracking a vague joke to a lady, please second guess or better still, blatantly ask if she is pmsing. if yes, u should totally shut up. cos u are a menace as far as she is concerned. a burden on planet earth. more mentally excruciating than the unbelievable weakness that every finger and toe in her body feels.

let me take you through the physical madness. (no,no,no. the leaky bit is the nicest part. the itchy uncomfortable plastic is now like a body part.) for the lack of a cute metaphor, each muscle in the body softly shivers in pain much like the beginning of parkinson’s. in my case, even my voice quivers. this alongwith the constant cramps like a heavy metal background score. yes, the cramps! in the stomach, in the abdomen and the area that you popped out from. amidst all this, if u try to make your point, we will cry. and if you are a douche bag and call us a weepie, then i might as well curse you even if you aren’t osama. cos you my dear, are way worse.

take few minutes to mathematically calculate the trauma % in the life of my kind of woman. 3-5 days of periods, 1 week before/ after of agony. lets round it off to a cute 10 days. so thats 1/3rd of each month, i.e. 1/3rd of my kind of woman’s non-menopausal life. ridiculously unfair.

coming back; the shoulders crave for a massage, the calf muscles want to explode, the feet feel like being pampered by a loved one. only the feet. the rest of the body wants you to stay away as far as possible. however, intermittent visibility is much appreciated. surface if you have hot food to offer. or few words of praise. or both. some women i know, even vomit and find food annoying. like the 1st signs of anorexia. so recognise the kind, and offer something sour or fizzy to them. oh and i nearly forgot to mention loose motions, gas, or constipation which will most definitely show up like uninvited guests to make matters worse. i haven’t even begun about the emotional upheaval that prevails. bawling for no reason, insulting the people one loves the most, psychedelic concoction of extreme lust interspersed with extreme aversion, roller coaster mood trips, divorce treats; these amount to sweet nothings that may strike you like an innocent meteor by my kind of pms-ers. pardon us cos we know not what we say. (must admit that sometimes it’s a good excuse to state pure facts:)) nevertheless, gulp down the severe verbal diarrhea like a mango milkshake…like a loving mother who enjoys cleaning her baby’s poop.

even if you express considerable love in general, take this time out to make sure the reason you are here, and the process behind it, month after month, in every woman’s life, is worth it.
if i tread away from the topic a little to remind myself of the ruthless people who treat woman like an object, or like a lesser, weaker mortal; my insides fume in disgust and i feel this close to contemplating the worst. just so that i don’t sound like those horrid feminist who equate men to a used sanitary napkin, i am told even men go through similar monthly mental gymnastics on their kind of ‘days’. f.y.i. – we love u too.
we understand.
you have to give us that.
cheers to exchanging sexes next lifetime.
gentle reminder.
you will get what you give.

shifting gears to give some free advice to the pain bearers to reduce the pain if there is any such thing;
– shatavari tablets (ayurvedic magical spheres to be popped in daily)
– yoga/ surya namaskars on the non awful days
– 3-5 litres of water
– biannual virechana/shankha prakshaalan (google them)
– don’t use pills to postpone your period for any reason and don’t dunk in pain killers each month. assume you are getting a tattoo and bear the pain with a cool grin
– you mostly already use this magic of a creation, the electric hot water pack
– avoid gaseous food a week before your pathetic day
– keep busy
– write to vent out your frustration like i am doing presently and celebrate your creativity
– remind yourself that you are a lord-brahma-minion. super special, you cute lil’ creators!

signing off with the most creative nick name i have been bestowed with,
Priya.Mani.Subramanian

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my fattee buddies-Part 7

2 Mar

i take a vow on this massive internet space that the weddings mentioned below, will be the last 2 that i will be attending. my other friends needn’t feel offended cos in all probability, you my dear, are already married! people call it the wedding season, in my case, it feels like a damn decade of only clapping and weeping at weddings!! such overdose will ensure extreme boredom at my own, thats for sure!

but this march is special. cos 2 of my besties will enter wedlock with their respective gorgeous lovers.
let’s take them one at a time.

aditi & srini. they also know each other. for which i take full credit.

aditi & srini. they also know each other. for which i take full credit.

Aditi mokashi, loving called adito by me, is my 2nd oldest real friend. we date back to the time of the dinosaurs. actually, earlier. around the time when Hritik jumped into the movie business. i say this, cos adito & i shared stage space in our maiden bollywood  performance on “ek pal ka jeena” from the legendary kaho na pyaar hai. it shames me today, but to our credit, we aped every step real hard.:) there was chamki throwing for effect, as we entered stage.so much for misplaced innocence. truth be told, we were vying for attention from atleast one of the 10th std guys who we were farewelling, even if it was their very last day in school.

Must tell u, that adito’s family has a unique trait of being the epicentre of situational comedy. and when she laughs, her whole shareer laughs not sparing her little toe. it’s nearly as if a child is trapped in the body of a grown up. Speaking of grown up’s a little birdie told me and some of u who hv received the wedding invite, that a hawa ka thanda jhoka (a.k.a samir) has managed to sweep our lady off her feet. he has little idea how lucky he is:).

In the recent past, adito has ran many a marathons & has taken to fitness very seriously, barring the occasional indulgence (background score: manushya ke sponge samaan phepde…..itna tar, aapko bimaar…bahut beemaar, karne ke liye.. kafi hai. LOL. fully faltu ad.) Sources say, even when Samir went on his knee, Adito was spotted with her running shoes! Aptly so. Zero pun. Only prem ❤

Dearest adito, with all the meditating power vested in me, i pray that samir and u travel every square inch of this planet together and laugh into the sunset. and if, by the time of ur 75th anniversary, the smart ones discover life on another planet; may u travel there too, hand in hand.

Bestie no.2 also happens to be my bro, Sriniiii!!

He’s only the 2nd person i have tied rakhi to after Indradweep from 5th std who was rakhified cos he had the most epic handwriting & the fountain pen never blotted on his fingers. ouch, drift. ya, so when i met srini, i had this overpowering feeling of wanting to be protected by him. so he was the – right choice baby, for a macho brother from a different mother, yo!:) but how did we meet? brace urself …(karan johar accent)… We 1st met on Orkut!!! Truly embarrassing for Mark Zukerberg. 1-nil, fellow!

I once managed to convince srini that i had a giraffe for a pet. but don’t u do the mistake of judging his IQ based on this, cos u do know that intelligence is measured by the no. of folds in the brain right? (I do take uber facts very seriously on twitter :))
so here’s the formula:
Srini’s brain folds = (Einstein -1) brain folds = Summation of brain folds of all my family members (FYI- my dad has 7 siblings)
Point being, srini knows everything about everything which fundamentally ensures that, around him, u feel like a twerp/retard or both. his drop dead looks, over the top wit, smouldering sense of humour, velvety people skills also further the cause. perhaps thats why his cells multiplied overtime in hope that the world gets 2 srinis’. but it doesn’t work that way you pathetic blobs of protoplasm! the world will have to make do with just one awesome srini:)

His achievements include swimming with sharks and studying in Cambridge University where he actually visited the cafe where Sonia served as waitress (per chai wale ki chai ka majja videshi cafe me kahaan! vote for NaMo!!) Ooops, continental drift.
I am of the belief that a person who hasn’t done AOL, hasn’t meditated; has not really experienced true joy. but i see an exception to this rule in Srini’s wife-to-be, Mitali. She’s such a fountain of joy & its nearly jarringly apparent, how much of a pure soul she is! her eyes often reduce to a line beautifully decorated with kohl, cos she is perennially in a state of wonder, giggling away. I am already amazed at the magical genes their kids will be endowed with.

The warmest hug, a slurpy kiss & all my love to both the couples!

the year that was…super duper fruper epic!

31 Dec

my 3 mega milestones of 2013:

1) SUPER: guruji’s stay at our home
its said, lucky are the ones, who are curious abt the mind and the universe; luckier few get to hear abt art of living and get to experience sudarshan kriya; bhaagyashaali are those who pursue the path of self enquiry and saubhaagyashaali are ones who have a living enlightened master! and how much ever i try and think what on earth i have done in my many past lives, to have an enlightened master stay in my room, my creative imagination fails miserably.
The entire family got together to cook all satvic tamil delicacies for guruji’s dinner. He arrived after a very long day of playing four corners all over mumbai.:) I am told, while on his way home, he said that he was hungry and tired. 2 things i never thought he ever was! we were thrilled cos that meant he will devour all the food we made and rest well. but when he entered the building, there were 1000 devotees waiting at 10.30 pm. and because he is who he is, he met them all one by one. he then visited another devotee’s home in the building and did aarti in their puja ghar after which his soft and holy feet stepped into our home. mum n dad did paada poojai while we sang “enna thavam saidane”, a gorgeous tamil song that u shud hear and byheart in ur spare time.
we served him food, and all this while we were totally zonked that he was actually present at home in true physical form. joke is, after we served and waited for him to begin to relish, he innocently asked us “rice?” we jumped out of the hypnotic state and ran to get the rice from the kitchen. we had basically served all the paraphernalia and forgotten to serve rice with which one consumes the rest.(ask a south indian friend for detailed explanation). That night when i slept, i laughed in my head cos i generally say  “guru bhramha, guru vishnu…” before going to bed, but tonight the guru was just in the next room, so i safely skipped the prayer:)
After guruji left next morning, i ran to the bathroom that we had cleaned over 3 times, and checked if he had used any of the oil,soap,shampoos we had thoughtfully kept. we also fought to sit on the bed he slept and did kriya on it. after bhastrika, we were all lost in some state for half hour.
The one underlying feeling that i distinctly remember while he was at home is… home dint feel mine alone. It felt like it was everyone’s. that they owned it as much as i did. the feeling of belongingness was palpable.pri1

2) DUPER: upanayanam
These days, only brhamin boys are given the gayatri mantra which is said to be the mantra of mantras. i.e. that which empowers other mantras. But guruji, has opened it up for all castes and women cos that’s how it was originally. being brhamin was not by birth, but by choice. a brahmin is someone who’s intension is to learn, teach and spread spiritual knowledge. And from the time my brother go his thread ceremony done many years ago, i wondered if i would ever get the opportunity to do it. And i did! When you are given the gayatri mantra, it is said to be your “dwija” or second birth and half marriage. i wanted to be married by 27 (i am 27), so i guess i achieved partial target. to know that one is part of such an ancient tradition of the guru-shishya parampara, felt ethereal and eternal. the sacred thread are 3 in number and they signify 1) responsibility towards family, 2) responsibility towards society and 3) responsibility of sharing the knowledge one has gained. i know of many a tambram people, who happily get a lavish upanayanam done and then gorge on meat and guzzle beer. which is ok. but then, they boast of their high caste-ness. and thats not ok. all i have to say to them is, wait for your next life for ur choice of amphibian body.:P
pri 2
3) FRUPER: yes & art excel TTC (teachers’ training course)
Woohoo! i got another feather on my feathery cap!! 😛
i hate children, they look adorable from a distance and thats such a dangerous deception cos they get more and more disturbing as u inch closer.i anyway, gathered my guts, and took to learning to teach kids and teens, the art of living program. if truth be told, the exercise was more for personal growth than to serve. the processes are so profound yet simple. the ttc unravelled the mystery of being a great parent. if and when i bear my 13 babies, they are going to thank their stars barring the weekly spanking!:) Shreya and Mala didi are over grown kids who taught us to teach. Shreya;s is in her own magic world of bliss where anyone is invited and Mala didi, x-indian cricket team captain, is someone u want to eat up out of uncontrollable affection. adults are often stuck up, stressed and pseudo-successful while kids are noisy, free and laugh after a loud fart in public. The 15 days of TTC was a paradisiac medley of unlearning and learning!

pri 4

Other milestones include;

Not being crushed to death in the maha kumbh where a beautiful, petite, helpless girl like me went all alone:) Thats a news item in itself. click here to read abt that mad ride.

10th anniversary celebration of Sriguruji Art Academy in association with Hiranandani called MAD FEST 2013. The Academy was the brain child of my inspirational parents and the 3 day music, art and dance fest was nothing short of genius.

Creating history with a bunch of driven teachers in Chandrapur district. the aim- to teach 10000 youth in 30 days. much like manavathey in Karanataka. which was yet another mad ride.

Thanks 2013, for being lovely!

Hello 2014, better watch out… high standards have been set!

and my travel karma continues…

2 Mar

This is a hate mail for the unnecessary inconvenience that your unscrupulous team of AIR INDIA caused at the International CSIA airport on 1st March.

Against all intelligent advice, I went ahead and made the mistake of booking myself on an AIR INDIA EXPRESS flight to Mangalore from Mumbai (IX208) which is at 14.45pm.
I reached at 13.46pm on the counter and was informed that I cant check in. 1stly every national flight check in time is 45min prior to departure and no where did I get any intimation to be 3hrs before the required time, which is stupid by itself! I am a frequent flyer with another airline and fly nationally atleast 3 times a month.
 
There were 20 other passengers who were held back not to mention 50 other passengers who were held back for the earlier 14.30pm flight to hyderabad. 
after a lot of requesting, pleading, yelling (in that order); the 50 Hyderabad passegers were allowed to check in at 14.30pm! God knows why. The idea was to get rid of them I guess. But the Mangalore bunch was left behind and the uncouth, disgusting team of AIR INDIA, specifically : D.SATISH KUMAR, B.SAHA, S.FERNANDES, P. CARDOZ told us that they dint know we existed! We weren’t given our boarding pass because out of the 10 counters, NONE had any living beings on them cos all had absconded due to the chaos w.r.t the Hyderabad passengers. We bore the brunt of your pathetic team’s non-show and were detained in the International airport till 5pm with no hope whatsoever.
 
I found out that Air India and Jet Air has a tie-up and suggested a solution to the deaf and dumb team of people mentioned above, who then made a few calls to “higher ups” who I am safely assuming lead the way to insensitive behaviour of the rest of the gang at AIR INDIA. We were told that AIR INDIA EXPRESS is a step child of AIR INDIA and they cannot afford to shift us to  the JET AIR flight which I enquired was empty and was to leave at 6pm. After I personally got in touch with Reji Fernandes at AIR INDIA EXPRESS, I was informed that we can APPLY to get our money back or fly the next day. But I had a very important meeting with the Dean of a prestigious college, another family had to go for their father’s last rites…and so on.
We were all ambushed and cheated by our country’s national air line which is governed by you. When I told D. SATISH, that the family needs to go do the final rites of their relative, pat came the reply that in the past 3 months we have not let so many people go for final rites and even their own wedding. Many people have died it seems. ?!?
If you have even an iota of humanity in you, your team should send an apology to all the 20 passengers you inconvenienced and punish the team of 4 who tortured us, and not to mention, re-look into your ways of functioning. I even recommended that every passenger should get an sms a day before their flight intimating them that it’s from the International terminal and we have to be there 1.30 hrs before time. This can be an auto generated sms to every one with a AIR INDIA PNR. But Mr. Stupid B.Saha tells me “Do you know how many passengers fly AIR INDIA? We are under staffed and over worked”.. while he happily ate pan masala that someone offered. 
Soon, you will have no passengers, and Rs. 5000 crores from the Union Budget this year can be utilized to buy lifetimes worth of Pan Masala for every member in team AIR INDIA and of course their Step child EXPRESS.
 
I have taken pictures of what we were made to go through. I will make sure I do my best to make my voice heard in social media and the press. What I am afraid of is, that this mail will not prick your conscience at all cos I am sure your inbox is full of such mails.
As for now, I urgently need my money back. So please make sure you don’t take a lifetime to return my money and save your face.

from vegas, with love.

24 May

so 13 days into my maiden trip to usa i have a bunch of things to share; some good. some bad.  

– rude people exist here, seriously nasty. new york tops the chart. congrats, u work in the ticket counter at times square, but cut it out, u venomous prick. i am talking to both you venomous pricks. 

– broadway is gorgeous. so larger than life that i believe i can fly! brilliant sets, brilliant orchestra, brilliant performers adorning brilliant costumes, brilliant theaters! Have seen 5 so far in my time on this planet. beauty and the beast in london tops the charts; lion king in french in paris was well, interesting and in french !?!; chicago the musical at broadway was fantastic, mary poppins at broadway had great sets and magic but was like a never ending hindi movie (spcl mention- the new amsterdam theatre at broadway. lord. breath taking.) the 5th was the one i saw in bangalore, the name of which i forget. but comparisons to broadway is just unfair. 

– usa blesses even visitors with obesity. i have put on few pounds in the wrong places though i struggle for veg food and end up eating everyone in the bread family. the ham eaters i think will simply collapse on their own weight. obesity is so jarring, that i wonder what “go veg” education will help when gut-wrenching visual examples don’t suffice.

– BODIES exhibition. real bodies carved out to show us every system in our body. nervous/urinary/reproductive/digestive/bone structure/birth of baby…UN-FREAKING FATHOMABLE. we are walking talking magic. spiritual experience.

– blue man group, over rated. 

– niagara falls, desperately over rated. like hell i say. victoria falls. heard of it? in the border of zimbabwe and south africa, is the goddamn baap of niagara. easily 20-fold. but not half as famous. cos usa knows how to make its presence felt, though its not so much of a presence anyway. ouch, was i lil. too shrewd here. hey hey hey! u get what u give! 

– malibu, sunset boulevard, beverly hills, the pacific ocean view is so gorgeous. and i checked, a small home along the stretch is affordable for many many mumbaikars.!!  should be somewhere about a crore. only. also heard that the most expensive house in the universe is very very far away from the HOLLYWOOD sign…and closer to my home:) any guesses?? the sahi jawab is mr. mukesh ambani & fly’s holy residence at peddar road which is prized at one billion dollars. what they inhale gold flakes in there?

– just got to vegas, in the middle of the desert. already 10 times i have been told by various people that “what happens in vegas, stays in vegas”. well, i am really ok even if it doesn’t in my case 🙂 the tee totallar, non gambler, non interested in random wedlock me, is blogging, out of all things in vegas. i find that strange myself. haha.

13 more days to go in this super power nation. excited. cousins in google & microsoft; here i come! xoxo

 

 

some more wierd things i noticed.

10 Jul

SHATABDI FROM AMRITSAR TO HARIDWAR
-warm tasty pulao+ onion pickle by compassionate sardarji who when complimented said, “sangath-ae-naal, sabh kuchh tasty ho jaandha aih; langar jaise”

RISHIKESH:
-oh la la: the yoga loving foreigner who has been here since 2 yrs and known to all rikshaw walas who give her a free ride once in a while cos she only walks
-it is sooo hot, yet ganga is sooo cold. ganga is so peaceful yet so ferocious. personification of a perfect gorgeous and powerful woman.
-at the parmarth ashram reception for stay, i said i am from the art of living ashram etc. etc. so among the 1st few questions asked mockingly by a pseudo meditator sevak was, “kundalini jagrut hui hai kya ab tak?”…. and because i am me, “hum tho kabke uske parey jaa chuke hai”
his response to that : silence.
-very very very eerie post 10pm
-2 pigs and 2 rainbows simulatenously
-spoke to random people here, sadly haven’t come across even one obvious spiritual seeker in the past 90 hours. i am forced to believe that this place is thickly populated with DBs & GBs (dhongi baba’s and gaanja babes)
-pancake served with curd in madras cafe

HARIDWAR:
-fun valley, an amusement park in haridwar road, in ‘technical’ collaboration with essel world with the coolest ride named ‘fresse bee’ (i will be happily surprised if essel world even know’s of its existence:))
-the tune of “didi tera devar diwana, hai ram kudiyon ko daale daana” replaced with soulful lyrics “hariiii-dwaar ke gangaa me nahaanaa; tann aur mann, ko paavann kar jaana” WITH a video to this effect.
(E.P.I.C.L.O.L.)
-women with deep purple lipstick, batua near heart region (READ: left part of blouse) and tambaaku packet and chuna in right part of blouse.YUK.

weird things i noticed.

8 Jul

MUMBAI AIRPORT:
-John abraham glaring straight into my eyes (as a matter of fact, everybody else’s) through every hand baggage tag’s ‘sky bag’ ad.

DELHI AIRPORT:
-Accented english announcements! ooooh.
-Ugly geometric designs on potty colored airport carpet.
-Immaculately arranged trolleys every one feet apart along the baggage belts
-Blown up disgusting picture of pseudo desi urban naari outside ladies toilet. well, to indicate in a ghastly manner that only ( and only) women enter this detox zone.

THE DAY IN DELHI:
-Delhi Meru cab GPRS starts and ends with a SQEAKY 30 second ad about some crunchy random brand of chocolates.
-Delhi cycle rickshaw’s have real corny names (just like trucks in kerala, horses in matheran and people in america).
-Stayed in an ancient sindhi house with beedi smoking kohl eyed grandma, wakao!

SHATABDI FROM DELHI TO AMRITSAR:
-New delhi railway station had motor bikes clothed with gunny bags.
-Morning tea menu printed (waste of paper some may say!) which lists the contents of tray namely; creamer, sugar, tea bag, napkin etc. with the amount mentioned in GRAMS! Really, the word ‘TEA’ and thereby its ingredients and weight, one thinks, is intrinsic. the visually explicit support proved to make for good sunrise humor (which is a big deal considering the grumpy non-morning person that i am)
-Jet wings is passe, ‘rail bandhu’ is the new shizz; Himalaya water bye bye, ‘rail neer’ welcome!

AMRITSAR-GOLDEN TEMPLE COMMON HALL (note for future ref: very scary)
-2.45AM (phone there)…..3AM(phone where???!!!???) I had kept guruji’s book next to phone thinking guruji will use super powers to blind any chor who dared to touch my bright yellow corby. but guruji thought the chor deserved it more than me, and i deserved better. blackberry perhaps;) Fair enough.

WAGHA BORDER (omg)
-water selling boy: “desh bhakti ke geeth honge, naach gaana hoga”
me: “desh bhakti geet? kyoon bhai?”
water boy: “saamne pakisthan hai, yeh sab to karna padega”
me: *hmph*
-1hr desh bhakti show had wide spectrum of music ranging from infra red jai ho to ultra sonic chak de (& koi kahe, kehta rahe- had the dil chahta hai team known of the future proceedings, they would have atleast worn orange white green clothes). thankfully, REMIXED ‘yeh desh hai veer javano ka’ was also in the play list. semi urban, rural, and foreigners danced away. 10,000 indians and 5000 pakisthanis watched in disbelief.
– 18 something, orange bling turbaned sardar was mentally auditioning for JUST DANCE at sarhad. I mentally gave him a slap and a HR band ofcourse.
-Ostensibly, the most tense border in the world, the indo-pak retreat march pre-ceremony left me with a feeling of i-dont-know-what. embarrassment? pride? both? i am still to learn.

AMRITSAR
-Bittu di hatti (replace bittu with ur pet name for personal effect. hatti means dukaan)
-Bhrawan da dhaba
-Pio (flavoured milk)

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